What is Tantric sex and how can it spice up your sex life? Put simply, it involves slowing down and enjoying all of the build up to the main event, rather than rushing to get there. The opposite of a quickie, Tantric sex is all about enjoying each other and increasing intimacy. It can also help you have more intense orgasms!
When I first came across the word "tantra" or "tantric sex", I had no idea what it was but I was extremely curious about what it was all about. I ended up picking up this book:
"Secrets of Tantric Sex" by Claudia Blake (I'll be taking a lot of my information from this book for this blog post) at Smitten Kitten and began reading about the interesting, fascinating, and extraordinary way you connect with others, and yourself, through this practice.
So, what the heck is tantric sex or tantra? Claudia Blake explains it this way...
"... the essence of Tantra is that we broaden our understanding of sexuality. Despite how interested we generally are in sex, and how much time we spend thinking, dreaming, fantasizing, and reading about it, the truth is that we also spend a lot of time worrying about it, or feeling disappointed or inadequate.... It's message is about breaking down barriers. Sex and spirit are not two sides of the same coin in this tradition: they are intimately intertwined."
Broaden our understanding of sexuality? Breaking down barriers? Sex and spirit intertwined? What does all of this even mean, D???
To put it simply... tantra is really about connection — whether that’s with yourself or between you and a partner.
After all, the word itself — derived from the ancient Sanskrit — means “web” or “to weave energy.” In practice, tantra is about enlightenment: to transcend both the sexual and spiritual planes by engaging in deeply meditative, spontaneous, and intimate sex.
It's all about getting to know your body.
Like yoga, tantra is all about physical and spiritual awareness. When you learn and practice tantra, you become more in-tune with your body, what gives it pleasure, and the way it feels pleasure. This allows you to pay better attention to your body’s wants and needs and make sure they’re fulfilled.
Plus, the energies you channel during tantric sex flow throughout your body and can intensify your orgasm.
The history of Tantra is long, multicultural, and often shrouded in mystery. It's earliest practices seem to have begun in India around the second and third century CE, although some people believe that its roots may go back still further.
Imagine, 5,000 years ago, this practice being developed, explored, and enhanced to promote sexuality, spirituality, and emotional interconnectedness. Tantra honors and celebrates our bodies, and enriches sensual pleasure, not just sexual pleasure. Breath, meditation, mindfulness, movement, and our environment can enhance intimacy with oneself and others.
Tantra encourages a full sensual and sexual experience with recognition of the importance of space and retreat to leverage and access desire. It is important to note that tantra can be an individual practice; it does not require a partner. Tantra may not even involve genital contact—it’s about energetic and spiritual contact between two partners (or with the self). Though genital contact or intercourse may enhance the energetic and spiritual contact, it is not necessary.
Before jumping into how to practice Tantra, first we need to understand ecstasy, the meaning of orgasm, and the basics of chakras.
Understanding Ecstasy
If you start studying Tantric sex, you'll hear the word "ecstasy" mentioned a lot. It sounds wonderful-- but what, in this context, does it actually mean?
It's origin is the Greek word ekstasis, which literally means "out-standing," or a better translation, "standing outside oneself". We don't stop being ourselves when we feel ecstasy, but we stop feeling like we're just ourselves. We become immersed in something outside our regular consciousness, and it is magical.
Here's the good news: ecstasy is within us. Chasing cravings is never going to give us peace, because we're looking in the wrong place. Seeking sensations to slow into our consciousness from outside, as it were, is a distraction from the delights of consciousness itself. In order to feel true ecstasy, we first have to stop, listen, and feel the present moment in all it's vibrant, living glory. Ecstasy is different than pleasure. It's a moment of full participation: in ourselves, and in the world--and, if you like to think of it that way, in the cosmos itself (yes, this sounds very hippy, but it's true)! This is what Tantric sex is for: to bring this experience into our love lives, combining the delights of transcendent awareness with the delights of sexuality.
The Meaning of Orgasm
If's there one thing people have heard about Tantric sex, it's usually that if makes us capable of having orgasmic sex for hours at a time. But what exactly do we mean by an orgasm? The usual definition is that orgasm is a sexual climax, a series of muscle contractions in the genitals that gives us a feeling of intense pleasure for a few seconds.
Energy Climaxes
The first thing to understand is that in Tantra, the understanding of an orgasm goes beyond that of muscular spasm. Orgasm is a build-up of energy, followed by a climactic release--and that energy can take many forms. In Tantra, energy climaxes are all part of the journey--even supposedly "negative" feelings such as anger, fear, or weeping can create that deep-felt build-and-release.
Deep and total experience
A Tantric orgasm can be any moment of deep and total experience that completely overwhelms you and makes you, in that passionate flow of energy, absolutely alive. As you enjoy having sex, either with a partner or pleasuring yourself, remain open to the rich range of climaxes you can feel!
Now, we can't go fully into Tantra without talking about or bringing up chakras.
Well what exactly is a chakra, D?
The word comes from the Sanskrit, and literally means "wheel". In yogic tradition, we are thought to have seven chakras, each corresponding to a set of organs within our bodies, each with its own particular function and associated with a set of emotions.
Clean flow
A great deal of Tantric sex depends on letting energy flow cleanly through your body, so as you consider chakras, consider whether any insecurities, frustrations, or sorrows may be creating obstacles for you.
Understanding
Chakras are an ancient concept, and modern practitioners differ on how literally they take the idea. For Tantric sex, they are a useful way of thinking about how we relate to ourselves: whether you believe they are physical phenomena or just helpful metaphors, it's crucial to understand chakras in order to understand how Tantric sex is conceived. Exploring your chakras is the pathway into Tantric pleasures!
Tantra works with the chakras, which are subtle energy centers located along a central channel in our bodies. There are seven main chakras, running from the base of the spine up through the crown of the head. Each is associated with different aspects of our being. For example, the second chakra—located about two inches below the navel—is associated with sexuality. The fourth, or heart, chakra is involved in our capacity to love, and the seventh, or crown, chakra is the gateway to spiritual realization.
If this all seems too weird and strange, think of the chakras as locations where the mind-body connection manifests. We’ve all experienced how fear causes a tightness in the abdominal area, for instance. And if we engage in sexual fantasizing, it’s no great mystery where in the body that energy is going to make itself felt.
So, how do you practice tantra or prepare your mind for it?
When you practice Tantra, you’re connecting your body, mind, and soul. A clear mindset and willingness to step out of your comfort zone are important to uniting those parts of yourself. The natural state of Tantric sex is to be both alert and relaxed. While many of us are used to thinking of mind and body as two separate things, the reality is that, as the saying goes, "the biggest sex organ is the brain." It's our minds that process pleasure, that fantasize and catch light with desire, that create our moods and make us the sexual, joyful creatures that we are. For this reason, the first step on the Tantric path is to become at ease with our minds and our selves. If you have a partner, you may like to meditate together, but it's vital to feel good in ourselves before we can feel good with someone else, so these are mostly solo practices.
Try this:
• Focus on breath work. Take 15 to 30 minutes to breathe gently all the way down into your belly and lower back, and get in touch with what’s going on in your mind — whether it’s stress or fulfilling your desires.
• Stretch for a few minutes. As you stretch each limb, clear your mind of any negative thoughts that are weighing you down. The more you unpack, the lighter you’ll become.
• Spend at least 30 minutes a day journaling. Work through the thoughts that may be blocking your spiritual growth by writing them down.
How to prepare your space
Tantra is a holistic practice. It isn’t about sex or orgasm — it’s about the journey to get there. Your environment has a direct impact on your mindset and your ability to relax and enjoy that journey.
Try this:
• Make sure your space is at a comfortable temperature
• Set the mood with candles or tinted light bulbs
• Fill the space with your favorite scent
• Soften your space
• Create a romantic or sexual vibe
Preparing the body
The PC & BC Muscles
A long with spiritual concepts like chakras, good Tantric sex includes an understanding of some anatomy. If you haven't heard of the pubococcygeus muscle, it's time to meet one of the most useful sexual organs you possess.
The PC muscle
The PC muscle is basically a hammock, one that supports the base of your abdomen and runs from the coccyx, or tailbone, all along the bottom of the pelvic cavity. It's the muscle doctors refer to as your "pelvic floor", and it's through the PC muscle that we're able to open and close the urethra, anus, and vagina. It's the strength of the PC muscle that powers the muscles that contract when we experience orgasm.
The BC muscle
When it comes to the penis, there's another muscle that plays a key role: the bulbocavernosus or BC muscle. Its two main roles are squeezing more blood into the penis, and squeezing semen (or urine) out. For this reason, then, a healthy BC muscle is a great asset, as it powers both a firm erection and a strong ejaculation.
In traditional Tantric terminology, these are muscles you'd find around your root chakra. So how do we know when we have these muscles tensed? The simplest way is to squeeze the part of yourself you'd use to stop yourself from urinating. Tense these muscles up, and you've found your PC and BC.
Exercising the PC and BC muscles is just as helpful for a good sex life as yogic stretches, if not more so. A strong pelvic floor can help support and sustain arousal, allowing us to luxuriate in those delicious sensations for as long as we choose.
Root Exercises for the Vulva
The "pelvic floor"--by which we mostly mean the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle--is the central to a healthy sex life. Some twentieth-century exercises known as "kegels" are your best guide here.
You can do kegel squeezes anywhere---on the bus, in a boring meeting, having coffee with your neighbor. However, to introduce yourself, try it as a meditation. Sit down somewhere comfortable, breath mindfully, and start the exercises. Squeeze your PC muscle. Remember, don't tense any other muscles: if you find yourself rising because your legs are cleansing, or your stomach is knotting, relax. Don't hold your breathe: breath calmly. It may feel weak at first, but you can build it. Squeeze and hold for a count of five seconds, then release. Do this as many times as you can! Squeeze rapidly as many times as you can. When you're ready, take a deep breath, relax, and open your eyes.
Tantric Yoni Technique
The vagina is called yoni in Sanskrit and loosely translates to "a sacred space." In Tantra philosophy, we approach the vagina from a place of the utmost love and respect. Yoni massage is a practice intended to truly honor a woman, to give her selfless pleasure, and to explore the sacred side of our sexuality.
This isn't about having one orgasm. It's about trying to feel more and more pleasure that will become waves of multiple orgasms throughout the massage. It can be done alone, or done by a partner, either individually or as foreplay to lovemaking.
Here's how to start exploring...
1. Set the scene.
As you must when exploring all new things, start with an open mind, open heart, and no judgment of yourself or your body. Lie on your back in a comfortable place with a pillow under your hips, your knees up, and your feet on the ground. Have your favorite massage oil handy. I prefer coconut oil for its silky feel and sensual aroma.
2. Connect to your breath.
Breath work is a key element in any Tantra practice. The one we'll use here is called Bliss Breath. Constrict the back of your throat, inhale, and hear a whispering sound, then exhale and release that sound again. Continue to take deep, slow, and audible breaths.
This grounds you in your body and keeps you out of your head, and it helps to spread the orgasmic energy throughout your body. We don't want the energy just in your clitoris. This type of deep breathing can help move that energy from the yoni to all parts of your body.
3. Warm up.
While clitoral stimulation is great foreplay for sexual intercourse, a body massage or tantric breast massage is a great warm-up for the yoni massage. The goal here is to get relaxed and slowly build arousal.
Start with some coconut oil on the belly and gently massage there. The belly is an often overlooked area of the woman's body but has many nerve endings. Massage the rib cage, between the breasts, and the lower abdomen.
Once the body begins to respond, slowly circle the breasts before circling the areola—don't touch the nipples yet. Once her body responds more, begin to tease the nipples by alternating between circles and light pinching, and between light, medium, and strong touches.
The Five Yoni Massage Techniques
Once you've warmed her body up with a breast massage and nipple stimulation, move on to the yoni massage.
1. Circling
Circle the tip of the clitoris with the tip of your finger to stimulate arousal, varying from smaller circles to larger ones. Alternate the pressure from light to heavy.
2. Pushing and pulling
Push down on the clitoris and make small push and pull strokes, and then slide your finger down the shaft of the clitoris. Do this on both sides of the shaft, keeping in mind that some women are more sensitive on one part of the clitoris than another.
3. Tugging and rolling
To tug the clitoris, pull it gently away from the body by grasping at the sides and tugging back and forth. You can also move lower and tug the sides of the lips. Keep varying strokes from the top of the clitoris to down to the lips. To roll the clitoris, start by holding it firmly and rolling between the thumb and the index finger—kind of like you're making a tiny violin motion with your fingers.
4. Tapping
Using one or more fingers, tap the clitoris in varying rhythms from fast to slow to learn what the body responds to most.
5. G-spot massage
To find the G-spot, curve your first two fingers like the letter C and slide them into the vagina. Feel for a soft, spongy piece of skin behind the clitoris. You can massage it by making a come hither movement with your curved fingers. Vary between fast and slow strokes. You can also tickle the clit simultaneously at the tip, or place pressure on or above the pubic bone.
Make sure to mix up all the above and vacillate between stimulating the clitoris in the various ways, while also involving the G-spot and nipples.
What is edging and how do you do it?
The goal is to reach the edge of orgasm over and over again. When the body seems ready to explode, slow it down, pull away, then build it back up again to create multiple waves of orgasms instead of just one.
During the cool-down periods, place your hand on the heart to help keep the body grounded, connected, and feeling loving energy. Then build the arousal back up to the edge of orgasm once again, and then back off and slow it down.
The longer the foreplay or the back and forth, the more pleasure will be experienced.
Root Exercises for the Penis
If you have a penis, you'll be working both your PC and BC muscles here. Don't worry too much about which you're targeting, as they work together and the exercises will strengthen both: just think of it as the broad muscle group that powers your erections and ejaculations.
While pelvic floor exercises have been recommended for women, especially women post-childbirth, since the mid-twentieth century, more recent research has been encouraging those of us with pensises and testicles to enjoy the benefits as well. When your penis is flaccid, use the basic practice on the previous page. The experience is slightly different from those with a vagina, as you'd expect, but the meaning is the same: you are honoring your sexual base, your strong core that underpins your pleasures! They can help you have a stronger sexual center, more control over your erections, and more powerful ejaculations.
Tantric Lingam Technique
A big part of sacred sexuality is learning to love the penis and not be afraid of it.
This lingam massage I am teaching you can be done two ways. The first is for men to learn, so they can practice edging on themselves via masturbation. In the second method, a partner gives the man the massage. It can be an independent act or foreplay to sex.
Many women are still not totally comfortable with handling a man's penis. If that is the case for you, take some time to reflect on any negative impressions you may have inherited from your parents or your culture.
Unlike your average hand job, the lingam massage involves not only massaging and stroking the penis but can also incorporate more advanced techniques, including the testicles, perineum, and the Sacred Spot (aka the prostate) as well.
Lingam is the Sanskrit word for penis and loosely translates to "wand of light." In Tantra philosophy, we approach the lingam, or penis, from a place of the utmost love and respect, the same way we approach the yoni, or vagina. By bringing a partner pleasure through his “wand of light,” we are filled with that same energy or light in a conscious exchange of energy in giving and receiving pleasure. Lingam massage is a practice that truly honors a man. We do it to give him pleasure. There is also a tremendous amount of sexual energy or chi in a man's penis. Learning how to stimulate and circulate it is very powerful.
This isn't about having one orgasm and being done. Instead, it's about trying to feel more and more pleasure that will become waves of multiple orgasms throughout the massage. Here's how to perform a lingam penis massage on your partner. For men who want to use this for sacred practice for masturbation and energy cultivation, follow the same instructions yourself.
1. Get him relaxed.
Have your partner lie on his back wherever he is most comfortable. He might like a pillow under his head and/or under his hips. His legs should be spread apart with his knees bent, so you have easy access to all parts of his genitalia. Remind him to breathe deeply. This will assist in a deeper relaxation.
2. Remember to breathe.
Breathing is what separates Tantra from regular sex. While you give your partner the lingam massage, remember to breathe the Bliss Breath: to receive his energy of arousal and pleasure on the inhale and send him loving energy on the exhale.
This special breathing will bring you three benefits:
1. You'll have a deeper feeling of worship or meditation and mindfulness.
2. It will make you more empathetic to his thoughts and feelings.
3. It will heighten your sexual intuition—you'll be more aware of what your partner wants without him having to ask.
3. Encourage your partner to breathe deeply.
Before you start the lingam massage, tune into your partner by engaging in the bliss breath together. Just taking a few breaths at the same time will put you both at ease and match your bio-rhythms. While you give him the massage, keep reminding him to breathe deeply, relax, and receive all the good feelings.
4. Lubricate and massage around the penis.
Use your favorite massage oil (I prefer coconut oil because it smells yummy) to oil the shaft of the penis and his testicles. Start by sliding your hands up and down his thighs before getting to the good stuff. This will also make him feel more relaxed. Compliment him on something you like about what you're seeing and touching.
Move onto the testicles. Gently, slowly massage them. You can use your fingernails gently on his testicles, or pull them slightly. You can also cup them in your hands and fondle them in the palm of your hand.
Massage the area around his testicles and penis (i.e., the pubic bone in the front, the inner part of his thighs, and his perineum—or taint—which is the area between the testicles and the anus).
Be careful with the balls. Men differ greatly as to the kind of touch they like. Some men are more sensitive or ticklish than others. It's OK to ask him how he likes them touched before you start, or even as you start fondling them.
5. Massage the shaft.
Once you've teased the areas around the penis and he's clearly wanting more, move to the shaft of the penis. Vary your grip from harder to lighter. Vary your stroke sequences between straight up and down and a twisting motion.
Vary the action from one hand to two hands. When using just one hand, alternate between using the right hand and the left hand.
Vary the speed from slow to fast. Start slowly and build up to a faster pace, then take it back to a slow speed again. Keep alternating the pressure, speed, rhythm, and methods.
Also, alternate the shaft strokes to start from the root of the shaft all the way up to the head. Once at the head, you can either continue the straight up and down motion, or you can do the twist—going from the root of the shaft and stopping just below the tip of the penis.
Variety is the key here!
When using two hands, you can do it a few different ways:
1. Both hands hold the penis in the same direction with the fingers pointing the same way.
2. One hand holds the penis facing one way and the other hand faces the other way.
3. Both hands move up and down at the same time. Oil is your friend here. It helps create a smoother, gliding motion.
4. The bottom hand moves up and down while the top hand does a swirling/twisting action at the tip of the penis.
6. Don't let him climax. Keep him at the edge of orgasm.
By now, he might be very worked up and might want to come. If you are paying close attention to his breathing, how his body is moving, and his moaning, you should be able to predict if he's nearing orgasm.
When you see him at that edge, pull back on what you're doing, or just slow it down and remind him to breathe and ride the wave of orgasmic feelings he's experiencing. He might go from being rock hard to semi-hard. Don't worry. That's what's supposed to happen.
7. Stimulate the secret spot externally.
The Sacred Spot is the prostate, which is a walnut-size gland located between the bladder and the penis. When stimulated properly, it is very pleasurable for men.
You can access the prostate either internally (by inserting your fingers or a prostate massage sex toy into the anus) or externally (through massaging the outside without penetration).
If your man isn't experienced with prostate massage, start externally. To find the sacred spot, look for an indentation somewhere between the size of a pea and a walnut midway between the testicles and the anus. Push gently inward. Be careful to go slowly and let him guide you in terms of pressure.
When you hit the right spot, massage it by pushing in with your fingers or knuckles, then backing off and pushing in again. You can also use a circular massage motion. If he's especially hairy, use more oil so you can get to the area more easily. Or better yet, ask him if you can shave him for easier access.
8. Stimulate the sacred spot internally.
Ask your man if he's interested in taking the prostate massage to the next level with an internal massage. If he's game, you'll want to loosen up his anus with massage oil. Start by massaging the outside of the anus with your fingers in a slow, smooth, and gentle circular motion. Don't insert a finger without his permission. Ask if he's ready for more.
If he is ready for insertion, make sure his anus and your fingers are oiled up. Make sure your nails don't have any jagged edges. Start by inserting just the tip of one finger at first. Wiggle it back and forth to loosen him up. Once he's comfortable with that, you can insert your finger(s) more deeply, as the prostate is about 2 to 3 inches inside the anus, closer to the anterior wall of the rectum.
Once there, you can gently caress it by moving your finger from side to side, up and down, or "milking" it with a come hither motion with your finger(s). Ask him how he's doing as you go. Let him lead.
Prostate massage can sometimes be difficult to do with fingers, which is why so many sex toy companies now sell prostate massagers that you can use when you're ready to take it to the next level.
9. End the massage.
To end the massage, you can allow him to climax with an ejaculation orgasm or move onto intercourse. If he is practicing semen retention, you can have him hold all his juices as he learns to transmute the orgasm from the genitals into whole body energy orgasms.
How to build the moment when you’re solo
There are many ways you can implement tantric principles when you’re alone. But remember, the end game isn’t always masturbation-- you can work up to solo play or decided not to go there at all.
Meditation
Meditation is a great way to free yourself of all that’s holding you back. But instead of letting the energy flow out of you, ground yourself. As you meditate, let your energy flow downward into the earth. Let that energy build and spread throughout your body, giving you strength.
Self-massage
Make your self-massage a full-body experience. Get your favorite oil or lotion and pour it all over your skin. As you rub your oil or lotion in, spend time massaging your belly, groin, inner thighs, arms, neck, and chest.
Masturbation
Solo play doesn’t always have to be about achieving orgasm. Instead, take the time to really explore your genitals, and what gives them — and you — pleasure. Touch yourself in new ways. Slow down your strokes. Soften the way you play with yourself.
Remember to:
• Breathe deeply and slowly. Whether you’re meditating or masturbating, allow your breath to connect with and send tingles down your body.
• Be present with your sensations. Instead of letting your mind wander, pay attention to everything your body is feeling.
• Allow yourself to experience a full range of emotions. This will enable you to fully tap into your energy and power.
• Set an intention for your practice. Know what you want to get out of your tantra session, whether it’s to have a better orgasm or to feel more comfortable in your skin.
How to build the moment with a partner
Remember, tantra extends beyond sex — you can work up to that or choose not to go there at all. You and your partner can implement tantric principles into other practices that can build up the moment.
Foreplay
Foreplay can be anything you want it to be — oral, a massage, taking a shower together. But whatever you do, make sure you and your partner are fully present. Sit in front of your partner. Look into each other’s eyes. Start to move your bodies slightly as you breathe. After five minutes, start to touch each other sensually, taking turns massaging each other’s arms, legs, neck, and other parts. After another five minutes, begin to kiss — and only kiss. Focus on every physical sensation you’re feeling in the moment.
Sex (is optional!)
You can build up to sex— or not! Tantra is more about connection than anything else.
If you choose to have sex, go slowly. And don’t be afraid to be creative! Try new positions, touch each other in new ways, and explore unearthed desires. But, most of all, immerse yourself fully in the experience, letting the tension build as you spend time on one sensual practice before moving on to the next.
Laying together or cuddling
Laying with your partner allows you to exchange and weave energies, nurturing a deeper connection. To do this, consider a spooning position. The partner in the back will send energy (giver), while the partner in front absorbs it (receiver). Snuggle close together, with your heart and stomachs aligned. The giver should have their arms wrapped around the receiver, with their hand over the receiver’s heart. The receiver should rest their hand on top. Lay still for a few moments, then start harmonizing your breath and let the energy flow freely between you.
In all of its essence, Tantra is about honoring yourself and your partner. It's all about consent and honoring your lover's body.
First: a partner's consent much be inviolate. You are creating sexual magic together: do not introduce an impure alloy into that alchemy. Consent obviously means that you mustn't physically force anyone, but it can also be subtler than that. Pestering, pressuring, and manipulating also disregard your partner's consent; so does sulking or complaining if they give you an unwanted "no". By all means seduce and entice, but in the understanding that you must both feel joyful about your experience. If your partner seems not to be feeling that joy, stop at once and create an emotional scared space where they can say what they're honestly feeling.
Second: a partner's physical health is your sacred duty. For your own sake it's always sensible to take safe sex precautions, but you can also see it as honoring your partner's body. In tantric sex, we accept what is, so accept that sex can have unwanted consequences and mindfully prepare to protect yourself and your lover. Know your partners boundaries and needs, and consult a doctor when necesaary.
There are many aspects to Tantra and Tantric sex, and there's so many more things to learn about it, but to keep this blog post from being longer then it already is... I'll leave you guys with the information I provided above! If you're interested in looking more into Tantra or Tantric sex, I recommend buying the book I mentioned before, as well as looking up the various Tantric massages and sex positions that help connect with your partner, embody Tantra, and heighten pleasure. Thanks for reading! -D ♥︎
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