Does the future of dating consist of throples and polyamory? Is non-monogamy considered cheating? What are the rules of non-monogamy and how does it play out in a relationship? What are the different types of non-monogamy? Am I a bad person/partner if I'm considering non-monogamy? Let's dive into these questions/concerns of exploring the wide world of extra-dyadic sexual relationships!
Despite having a long history among humans, monogamy is not the only option for those seeking a stable, healthy relationship.
When you hear the words "ethical non-monogamy," what do you picture? Monogamish couples who occasionally have a guest star in the bedroom? Open, sprawling poly networks of people who lives alone and date casually? Three or four adults and a bunch of kids, all living together? Any of these would actually be reasonable, because the big wide world of ethical non-monogamy encompasses many different relationship styles and configurations. These relationship styles sometimes only a few things in common, but they're key similarities: they're honest, they involve more than just two people, and they're commonly misunderstood and conflated.
According to Wikipedia, non-monogamy is an umbrella term for every practice or philosophy of intimate relationship that does not strictly hew to the standards of monogamy, particularly that of having only one person with whom to exchange sex, love, and affection. Non-monogamy can be defined in many ways, and just because one person may believe one thing about non-monogamous relationships, doesn't mean another person sees non-monogamous relationships in the same way.
Classical monogamy—a single relationship between people who marry as virgins, remain sexually exclusive their entire lives, and become celibate upon the death of the partner—has been replaced by serial monogamy. Serial monogamy is a cycle in which people are sexually exclusive with each other for a period of time, break up, and then re-partner in another sexually exclusive relationship with a different person.
Non-monogamous relationships, in contrast, are more diverse and vary by degrees of honesty, sexual openness, importance of rules/structure, and emotional connection. Non-monogamy can be considered in many forms, from swinging and open relationships to polyamory.
The picture above is known as the infamous Map of Non-Monogamy. I know what you're probably thinking... "Uhhhh... what the hell is that?" but hey, hey, shushhhh... it's ok! It seems a little intimidating/confusing at first but don't worry! It's not as scary as you think it may be. As you can tell from this map, there are many different ways that individuals define non-monogamy. Some examples being:
• Someone in an open relationship might have a boyfriend but also have sex with other people;
• If a couple are swingers they might exchange partners with another couple for just a night;
• Or a couple might ask someone to have threesome. Any kind of group sex is non monogamy;
• Polyamorous people have multiple loving relationships, but there are a lot of ways to be poly too!
For many individuals it can be a confusing and sensitive subject... and that's ok! Monogamy is ingrained into our society's view of what is believed to be the "norm" of dating and marriage (disclaimer: I am referring to American culture), but it doesn't need to be as scary, confusing, and taboo as we've been conditioned as a society to believe. Dont get me wrong, monogamy is NOT a terrible thing... and I'm not a hater by any means of monogamy. Monogamous relationships can be a beautiful, loving concept... but what I'm saying in this blog post is that non-monogamous relationships can be a beautiful, exciting, and loving concept as well!
Some of the most well-known concepts of non-monogamy (but are not limited too) are:
1. Polygamy
Globally, this is kind of non-monogamy comes nearest to social acceptance which is backed by religious or cultural sanction in certain places. Polygamy refers to an arrangement in which one person has married multiple partners. This in turn can be of various types like:
a. Polygyny in which a man is allowed to take multiple wives.
b. Polyandry in which a woman has multiple husbands
2. Polyamory
This is a kind of non-monogamous relationship where an individual has mutliple romantic and/or sexual partners but is not married to any of them. Since it is not based on marital obligation, polyamory usually implies a more fluid and flexible approach to love and relationships, but still operates on a complex system of boundaries or rules.
Polyamorous partners can be in turn either primary or secondary partners. This usually involves situations where a couple tends to be on a typical monogamous life path – being committed to each other, moving in together, possibly children – but they each date other people seriously. The couple in case forms the primary polyamorous partners while their dating relationships form secondary polamorous relationships. Often this effectively forms large networks of interconnected lovers. There is a certain flexibility, with primaries sometimes becoming secondary or secondaries sometimes becoming co-primary. Some people date in secondary-style relationships only, either because they prefer it or because they have not found a primary.
3. Open marriage or open relationship
This type of non-monogamous behavior typically refers to a marriage or relationship in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded as infidelity. Open relationships may in turn be of different styles like polyamory and swinging. But despite their distinctions, all open marriages share common issues like the lack of social acceptance, the need to maintain the health of their relationship and avoid neglect, as well as the need to manage jealous rivalry.
Couples in open marriages may also agree to follow rules such as no emotional attachment, protection against STDs, never in 'our bed/home' and no illegitimate children. Sometimes the primary couple in an open marriage may also have rules about not asking who the other person is. Some open marriages are one sided as well. One partner who may need more sexual gratification than the other is free to seek it out where he/she sees fit, all while maintaining a functional emotional relationship with their full-time partner.
4. Group Marriage
Also known as polygynandry, group marriage is a kind of non-monogamy in which several people form a single family unit, with all considered to be married to one another. A group marriage may or may not include group sex which are sexual episodes involving more than two participants at the same time. Yet another kind of group marriage is termed as ‘Line families’ which is intended to outlive its original members by ongoing addition of new spouses. Yet another variation in this category is the ‘poly family’, which is similar to group marriage in most respects except for the fact that some members may not consider themselves married to all other members.
5. Ménage à trois
This is form of non-monogamous relationship which is marked by a sexual, or sometimes domestic, arrangement involving three people. The phrase literally means a “house of three” in French. In contemporary usage, the meaning of the term has been extended to refer to any living relationship between three people, whether or not sex is involved.
6. Swinging
This kind of non-monogamous behavior is similar to open relationships but instead of a domestic arrangement, swinging refers to a kind of organized behavior. Also known as ‘partner swapping’, swinging refers to a practice where both partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, to engage in sexual activities with other couples as a recreational or social activity. Swinging may be practiced in a number of contexts, varying from a spontaneous sexual activity at an informal gathering of friends to planned or regular social gatherings to hooking up with like-minded couples at a swingers' club or through swingers’ websites.
7. A casual relationship
This is perhaps the least complicated and thus the most common kind of non-monogamous kind of behavior. In a casual relationship two people share an emotional and/or sexual bond without being committed to each other. This is variously known as casual dating or a fling, all of which imply a non-exclusive relationship. A casual relationship differs from casual sex, which has little or no emotional element and from a one-night stand, as the relationship extends beyond a single sexual encounter. Even though a casual relationship can include mutual support and affection, the participants do not expect exclusive commitment from each other and the relationship is intended to endure only so long as both parties wish it to.
Wow, that's a lot of different types of non-monogamy! And I bet you all have a lot of questions about it. Let's start by debunking some myths about non-monogamous relationships...
Myth #1: "But D... isn't ethical non-monogamy just cheating?"
Very good question! Well, to start off... Cheating is a violation of trust. When someone cheats, they engage in a romantic or sexual relationship with another person, without their partner’s consent. Ethical non-monogamy, on the other hand, stresses consent above all else. This means that partners agree to see other people and set rules, boundaries, or values for how they will treat each other and communicate about their relationship(s).
Like I mentioned before, there are several types of ethically non-monogamous relationships, like polyamory (which emphasizes loving relationships with multiple people), open relationships (where a couple has more casual encounters with others), and relationship anarchy (a belief against hierarchies of love).
Central to all these forms is communication between partners, respect for each other’s boundaries and values, and consent. The moment a relationship stops being consensual (for example, it’s secret or violates one of the ground rules partners agreed on), it stops being ethical non-monogamy and becomes — you got it — cheating.
Myth #2: "Aren't people in non-monogamous relationships just all swingers?"
The first thing that usually comes to mind when someone finds out a couple they know isn't monogamous is: swingers. While some people prefer that style of ethical non-monogamy (stats are hard to find though) many folk in the community have other structures that they prefer, particularly because a lot of people are more restricted in their willingness to have sex outside of emotional connection.
Myth #3: "People do it because they're all Gay/Bi"
According to a lot of folk, non-monogamy is the purview of the gays. Or at least, one or both partners must be bi and "need" "both" genders, right? Not quite. Lots of straight folk are into ethical non-monogamy (and lots of gay folk are into monogamy), and even for individuals who are queer? It's not generally why they're ethically non-monogamous. Also, as a side note: there are more than two genders.
Myth #4: "Non monogamous individuals are at a higher risk for contracting an STI/STD"
The logic here sort of follows, I'll admit that. But the stats just don't agree: according to one recent study, people in monogamous relationship were equally as likely to get an STI as ethically non-mono folk. Which also makes a lot of sense, really: if you're hiding other lovers despite being ostensibly monogamous, you're less inclined to use a condom out of fear of a condom or wrapper being found by your partner. Ethically non-mono folk have extensive conversations about sexual history, current sexual partners and protection methods, and STI testing and status — leading to people being able to make informed decisions about what risks they take, which keeps the risk of STI transmission lower than you otherwise might expect!
When it comes to non-monogamy, and deciding if starting or becoming part of a non-monogamous relationship is right for you, there's a few things that need to be addressed.
Is non-monogamy right for me?
The kind of relationship that’s right with one person isn’t necessarily right for another, and what’s right for one time in your life may not be right for the next. As you reflect on your own relationships, you can ask yourself some guiding questions.
Am I genuinely interested in giving non-monogamy a try, or am I just doing this to please a partner?
Feeling nervous is normal when we take emotional risks. And we might find trying something new for a great partner teaches us something about ourselves. But feeling pressured into something we don’t really want is unhealthy for any relationship.
Am I committed to communicating with my partners and checking in with myself?
Honesty, self-awareness and communication are skills that we all develop over time. You don’t have to be perfect at these — no one is! — but you do have to be ready to learn.
Am I prepared to deal with feelings of jealousy in a healthy way?
Many people in non-monogamous relationships report feeling “compersion,” or happiness that their partner is having positive romantic and sexual experiences with other people. While you definitely don't have to feel compersion to be non-monogamous — everyone experiences jealousy sometimes — you do have to be ready to unpack feelings of jealousy and deal with them proactively.
Staying Mentally and Emotionally Healthy
Mental and emotional health is fundamental to any relationship, monogamous or not. Here are some ways that people in non-monogamous relationships keep themselves emotionally healthy while communicating with multiple partners — skills we can all grow from.
Setting Rules and Boundaries
When you don’t have typical societal definitions of “cheating” to rely on, it’s up to you to set your own boundaries. That kind of deep self-knowledge can benefit everyone. Think about what you need to stay healthy — safer sex? your partner letting you know if they’re staying out late? — and don’t be afraid to ask others to respect those boundaries.
Communication, Communication, Communication
Expressing your feelings, asking for what you need, and working through conflict is scary. But clear communications is one of the foundations of any healthy relationship — and of being honest with yourself.
Self-Introspecting About Jealousy
Feeling some amount of jealousy is normal. But rather than letting jealousy dictate your actions, which could lead to patterns of anger or control, you can take a moment to understand why you’re feeling jealous. Are you feeling insecure? Do you wish your partner would spend more time with you? Or are you simply not comfortable with your partner seeing other people?
Listen to Your Gut
We’ve all got that little voice inside of us that tells us when something’s just not right. Whatever your relationship style, you deserve to feel loved, cared for, and respected. If your gut is telling you that you’re not being treated well or simply that the relationship isn’t quite right for you, listen.
There’s no one-size-fits-all model of relationships. But whether you’re monogamous or monogamish, learning to check in with yourself, communicate with your partners, and always respect consent are skills that can help all of us flourish!
Whether you're in a monogamous relationship or non-monogamous relationship, across the board, success in these relationships (truly, in ANY relationship) depend upon three things:
1. Self-awareness, and an ability to engage in honest self-examination about one’s needs, feelings and desires;
2. Open and honest negotiation and communication about one’s needs and desires, accepting that win-win compromises are the desired outcomes;
3. Mutual respect for each other’s needs and desires. This means that sometimes, we choose to “not sweat the little things,” and accept that our partner is another person, who makes their own decisions. Our job is to communicate about what are the most important things for us, so that our partner can consider them.
*If you are considering entering a poly or non-monogamous relationship (or if you’re already in one) here are four great resources to help you navigate your relationship*
♥︎ The Ethical Slut
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures, written by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, is a great place to start. Both Easton and Hardy are non-monogamous and have wonderful insights and exercises for those beginning to explore life outside of monogamy.
Synopsis:
“For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer. Experienced ethical sluts Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy dispel myths and cover all the skills necessary to maintain a successful and responsible polyamorous lifestyle–from self-reflection and honest communication to practicing safe sex and raising a family. Individuals and their partners will learn how to discuss and honor boundaries, resolve conflicts, and to define relationships on their own terms.”
♥︎ Sex at Dawn
Sex at Dawn: How we Mate, Why we Stray, and What it Means for Modern Relationships, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha is a look at monogamy over the years. It delves into the question: is monogamy a natural human behavior? Sex at Dawn is a brilliant look at how and why humans act the way we do in relationships and why we may not have the best systems in place.
Synopsis:
“In this controversial, thought-provoking, and brilliant book, renegade thinkers Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá debunk almost everything we “know” about sex, weaving together convergent, frequently overlooked evidence from anthropology, archaeology, primatology, anatomy, and psychosexuality to show how far from human nature monogamy really is. In Sex at Dawn, the authors expose the ancient roots of human sexuality while pointing toward a more optimistic future illuminated by our innate capacities for love, cooperation, and generosity.”
♥︎ The Poly Pocket Series
Poly Pocket is a series of articles that discusses polyamory in all its forms. The first article is an interview style piece in which two married women discuss their polyamorous relationship. This article is particularly awesome because the two women are very open about their communication styles, something very important when considering non-monogamy.
♥︎ Everything You Need to Know About Polyamory
This is a link for a HelloFlo article talking about poly relationships (http://helloflo.com/hannah-everything-you-need-to-know-about/). The author, Audrey, has some brilliant things to say about jealousy, comparison, cheating, and sexuality.
Here is also an additional list of great books!
• Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
• More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux
• The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola
• Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines For Responsible Open Relationships by Wendy-O Matik
Last but not least, here is a link to a great article about how to create and write an open relationship rules agreement that will work for your relationship(s)! Being able to effectively communicate your wishes, desires, and boundaries, as well as your partner(s), is a MUST in an ethically non-monogamous relationship!
https://freelovediaries.com/open-relationship-rules-agreement/
Sorry for the hiatus from the blog everyone, but I hope you enjoyed the newest blog post! It was definitely an interesting article for me to write! It's been a summer full of long work days, endless nights of watching anime, and avoiding a lot of responsibilities... but I'm back and ready to rumble!! Stay tuned. -D ♥︎
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